Dear Malfoy
by foodluver
Summary: Rose thinks she's going insane; she's bloody well lost her mind, and over an idiot, no less. So she goes to her cousin Al and Malfoy for help. Crazy, you say? Well, desperate times call for desperate measures!
1. Chapter 1

Dear Malfoy (and Al, I suppose, since you always read his mail),

How are you? I'm lovely, thanks for asking. A bit sloshed, but good all the same. Actually, you might have noticed that I've been a bit tipsy all week, as my witty retorts have been less then, well, witty. I just want you to know, I entirely blame you. Yes, Malfoy, Y-O-U. It is all your fault that I have been consuming large amounts of firewhiskey (lovely stuff, that). Well, no, it really isn't your fault, but I have to blame someone!

Pleasantries and ramblings aside, I hate you. Just wanted to put that out there, in case you're wondering. Which you probably are, since I've never written you before (or had a civil conversation with you, but then again, I'm slightly off my face. Or whatever the saying is). So anyway, I'm writing to you because you are one of the few non-relatives I know. Poor little me, I have no friends (not really, but you're the least likely person to read this and I had to tell somebody). So, first of all, I will rant about you (please take offence).

Ugh! That stupid sodding Malfoy! I wish he would just bugger off and die in a hole! He's such an awful git! I hate him so so so much! Agh! Stupid ferret-faced tosser!

Yes, Malfoy, my rants do sound like that, which is why all my mates have stopped listening to them. Except Al, but really, he's mental.

So, now that we've gotten that out of the way, it is time for my boy talk. Hooray! I'm sure you'll just love this, Malfoy. Tell Al not to beat him up, though, because I really can take care of myself. And the whole "protective cousin thing" is quite annoying.

Although, while we're on the topic of Al, he should really ask Alice Longbottom out. She absolutely drooled over him during Quidditch practice the other day, and I know he likes her. Just pass that message on for me, will you?

So! As I'm sure you've noticed from my crazed blathering letter and the lovely wobble I have been walking with, I am very, very drunk. Ha ha. Don't you dare tell my dad, Al. The reason I am drunk is that I have had an epiphany.

I like a boy. (Yes, Malfoy, I fancy someone. Surprise, surprise!)

But seriously. It is very annoying. He's absolutely amazing. And a bloody oblivious git, sadly enough. Just my luck, sigh. But seriously, he is! He's tall and fit (he plays Quidditch, though not as well as me, ha ha!) and his abs are simply gorgeous. Not that I've looked or anything, just snuck a few peeks and I've seen him shirtless swimming once or twice (Merlin, the water running down his chest…yum, I tell you! I barely stopped myself jumping him.) Oh dear. I'm a right pervert, Malfoy, go ahead and say it.

Moving on.

His hair. Oh, his absolutely wonderful, soft, silky hair (I haven't actually touched it, but Merlin knows I want to).

And he's actually really smart. Or clever, maybe. What's the difference? And even though he doesn't want people to see, he sticks up for first years, stupid bugger. And he pulls pranks just as much as me and Albus (and you too, I suppose, Malfoy). And he's a bit silly sometimes and he loves to laugh and he's not a prefect (nor ever will be, thank Merlin. Stupid goody two shoes Hugo) and even though he can sometimes be a prick (more like all the time), he's abso-bloody-lutely the most amazing bloke I've ever met. I've watched him a lot, have you noticed. Albus caught me staring once; he thought I was staring at you. Ha!

And herein (what a funny word) lies my problem. Even though I want to shove him up against a wall and snog the life out of him (mind out of the gutter, Malfoy!), I really don't want to fancy this bloke. I'm bloody stuck. I mean, I hate the stupid guy. Is this some kind of twisted form of karma for the insults we've exchanged over the years? Or is it the Imperius curse? Or a love potion (really hoping for that one)? As you can probably tell, my life is in shambles. Like him? Hate him? What do I do?

Anyway, Malfoy, knowing you, you have (hopefully), skipped down to the end of this ridiculous letter (which is here) and are now waiting to know the point of me writing you. Basically, Malfoy, if you even read this letter at all (really I'm hoping you didn't, but just say…) then I want your help. You're the king of getting rid of people, how do I get this stupid bloke out of my mind? ('Cause, you know, I think I'm in love with him).

Bloody hell, I've lost it.

~ RW


	2. Chapter 2

**So, everyone, did you like the last chapter? Ooh, exciting, I know, I'm writing a story with more than one chapter! What an accomplishment. Yes, well, I decided it was high time I published this, which I have had sitting around on my computer for a while. This chapter is very short, mostly because I really needed to ask you (my lovely and very few readers) what you think. And I will put the next chapter up as quickly as possible while you (hopefully) send me suggestions for my story. Anyway, I've got a quick character summary for you:**

**So, basically, Rose and Al and Scorp are a bit of a prankster trio. And she is best friends with Al and Alice and occasionally tolerates Scorp, who is best friends with Al. The four of them are in Gryffindor. Scorp and Rose insult each other and just in general hate each other**. **And Al and Alice like each other. So, yeah. That's it. Enjoy! (p.s., the next chapter will be actual action-y stuff!)**

* * *

Weasley –

Not that I really want to, but I can't help you if I don't know who the bloke is. And yes, Weasley, you are a right pervert.

Malfoy

Rosie Posie –

How'd you know that Scorp and I read each other's mail? And you can tell me who he is…

Al, your cousin who desperately wants to know who you fancy

* * *

Malfoy and Al –

Very funny, Malfoy. Ha bloody ha. He's a fifth year, same as us. That's all you two'll get out of me. And Al, I sit next to you during meals and I have since first year. I'm not blind, you know.

p.s. Congrats about Alice!

* * *

Weasley –

Well, fine. Doesn't matter to me. I don't have any ideas on how to help you, sorry (not). I suppose you could try and humiliate yourself in front of him and then focus on how hard he's laughing at you. I'd be more than willing to help with that.

Rosie –

You hate practically every bloody guy in fifth year, and nearly all of them could fit that description!

* * *

Malfoy –

Fine.

Al –

Exactly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry, sorry, sorry all! I've been so busy, and haven't updated in forever, and...I'm making excuses, I know. Thank you Serene Panic for reminding me about this! I'm pretty sure this is the right chapter, but I'm not sure..so hopefully you like it! It's also short darlings, because I have a second part to it which I will be uploading as soon as it is edited. Please forgive my lazy, busy self!**

**Also, this chapter is slightly inapropro, for those who dislike swearing and generally delicious moments.  
**

* * *

"Absolutely not," I snapped, directing a glare at my cousin and his prat of a best friend. "What in Merlin's name makes you think I will wear this?" I gestured violently to the offending clothing.

"Simple," Malfoy drawled. "You wear it, he laughs, you don't fancy him, and me and Al get a kick out of the whole thing. Everyone wins." Al grinned.

I scoffed and held the disgusting thing up against me. "Wearing an elephant costume is going to solve all of my problems?" I said skeptically.

Al made choking noise that was no doubt an attempt to hold back laughter. "C'mon, Rosie, just put on the bloody thing! It won't kill you."

"No, but the enchanted trunk just might," I muttered, as said object wriggled impatiently.

They couldn't take it anymore. Al and Malfoy burst into laughter, practically rolling on the floor. Malfoy was crying tears of joy. Stupid git. I sneered at them, rolled my eyes, and stalked out of the common room.

Hmph. Stupid them. Stupid me. Why, oh why, did I decide to take my problems to Malfoy? I mean, obviously he's very good at getting rid of birds, what with his stupid fan club. So I supposed it's logical that he would be good at getting rid of guys. Ha, I wish. My problem is a bit more persistent then those girls that follow him and Al around. And that's saying something, because one time, one of the girls actually stole Malfoy's underwear. I don't think she's taken it off since. Which is really disgusting considering it's – _shiver_ – Malfoy's.

break

I stomped back in. "It didn't work!" I snarled. Al and Malfoy looked rather alarmed at my loud and admittedly obnoxious entrance.

Al rolled his eyes. "Why the bloody hell not? If he didn't laugh, it's okay to fancy him, and if he did, then why do you still fancy him?"

I flushed. "Of course he laughed. He laughed his bloody good-looking arse off! And the only thing I could think about while he was laughing was how fucking gorgeous he must look after snogging me! I don't want him to snog me! Except I really, really do! I'm so messed up!"

Malfoy snorted audibly "You've got that right."

"Oi, I take offence to that!"

Al rolled his eyes. "Shut up, you two."

Malfoy rolled his own in answer. "If you want to snog him so much, Weasley, then why don't you?"

I immediately turned a very unbecoming shade of puce. "I….I can't," I muttered.

Al raised his eyebrows "Why not? Merlin knows you fantasize enough about it."

"That's completely different!"

"Right…"

"Are you too chicken, Weasley?" Malfoy interrupted. Very rude, really.

"No!"

He smirked. "Yeah. I think you are." He stalked toward me slowly, and I backed away until my back was against the common room wall. He came closer and closer until he was pressed against me.

"I am not!" I snapped, hoping to Merlin my voice didn't sound breathless.

Still smirking, he bent down to my ear. "I don't believe you…" he breathed. I breathed in sharply when his hands slid under the hem of my shirt and his fingers began rubbing tingling circles. Heat pooled in the pit of my stomach. I gulped, audibly.

"Yes," he breathed in my ear. "You really, really are."


End file.
